WITHOUT TITS THERE IS NO PARADISE
31 December 2007, Cervera de los Montes
Next year, I’ll work hard. I'm going to do 6 big paintings, 5 small paintings, 143 drawings, 7 object based pieces and 1 video.
My favorite slogan for the year 2008 is Without tits there is no paradise. Maybe all my shows will be titled that way. Sin Tetas No Hay Paraiso is a Colombian TV show. The story is based on a young girl who is obsessed with getting breast implants in order to overcome poverty. Fake tits are huge in the Latin America and curiously, the number one semi-solid silicone implanting country is Hugo Chavez’s Venezuela on it’s way to socialism. Naturally, tits have a strong demand everywhere, now they do both U.S. and Spanish versions of the Colombian telenovela.
SANTA CLAUS VS. THREE KINGS
26 December 2007, Cervera de los Montes
My brother-in-law Pedro was a great Santa Claus but my daughter was so frightened that she still, two days later, has fever though she got the pink bike she wanted. I got a Black & Decker laser level I had wished. Actually, I think is not really necessary for anything but looks cool when I hang my drawings next year in Stockholm, Paris and St. Petersburg.
Maybe I should pass the rest of my wishlist to the Three Kings of the East, who bring the presents to the Spaniards in Epiphany but I might feel too patriot to do it. Some advertising agency did a campaign against the Santa Claus, who lives and works - according to the Finnish authorities - in Finland. The campaign included bubblegum bling-bling rapper styled Kings demonstrating outside of the Embassy of Finland in Madrid. So keep out from my house, you dirty monarchs! I'm republican and ultra-leftist and believe in the red Santa!
MY WISHLIST TO SANTA
21 December 2007, Cervera de los Montes
This year, I've been a good boy, a caring father, a loving husband and a hardworking artist. Maybe you could bring a pink bike to my daughter and something to me, too. This is my wishlist:
- A pair of wool socks
- Juan José Millas' new novel
- Tender Forever's new CD
- A laser level
- A bottle of Polish vodka
- A Louis Vuitton vollet
- A table reservation for Ferran Adrià's El Bulli
- A Nissan Murano SUV (with leather and GPS)
- A Martin Kippenberger hotel drawing
- Some world piece
100 REASONS TO HATE SWEDEN
19 December 2007, Cervera de los Montes
This is the best of list of my 100 Reasons to Hate Sweden I made for the invitation card of my show in Stockholm in January.
Abba, Absolut Vodka, Ace of Base, Birger jarl, Birgit Rausing, Björn Borg Underwear, Carl XVI Gustaf, Carl Larsson, Christer Petterson, Cinnamon roll, Collaboration with the Nazi Germany, Colonialism, Dynamit, Gay friendliness, Greta Garbo, Gustav V, Gustav Vasa, Hennes & Mauritz, Ikea, Ingmar Bergman, José Gonzalez, Kurt Wallander, Lars Vilks, Max Martin, Metro International, Neutrality, Nobel Price, Olof Palme, Pacifism, Pancakes, Peter Forsberg, Pippi Långstrump, Pommac, Pripps Blå Light, Protestantism, Raoul Wallenberg, Rinkeby, Roxette, Saab, Securitas, Smörgåsbord, Social democracy, Swedish Meatballs, Tetra Pak, The Final Countdown, The Swedish Middleway, Vikings, Viking Metal, Volvo XC90, Wellfare State, Zlatan Ibrahimovic.
FRIED CHICKEN AND GOLDEN BONES
17 December 2007, Cervera de los Montes
It’s always great to be back home. We went to couples therapy and had a romantic Duo Combo lunch at KFC. After the deep fried meal we bought a Christmas ham at Casa de Carne, which is in the same building with Lidl, where I found an awesome Fat Free Funny Cola candy package.
The only thing that disappointed me today was that my wife couldn’t even see Jiri Geller’s golden three-eyed-human-skull I traded in Helsinki to three drawings. I’m not interested to collect art for a storage room, I just want to decorate my beautiful home with my friends’ works, so I have to ask Jiri to change the skull to one of his new balloon sculpltures. Our therapist Olga says that we must be generous.
ON DEPARTING AND DEPARTMENT STORES
15 December 2007, Helsinki
I'm ready to go back home: I met most of my friends. I had dinner with my family. I sold some works. I made future plans with some curators. I met a gallerist from Frankfurt. I was in three Christmas parties. I met a new friend. I got drunk. I was hungover. And I did some Christmas shopping at the Stockman department store.
MY FAVORITE DEPARTMENT STORES: KaDeWe, Stockmann, Sogo
THE WORST: El Corte Inglés
I'M NOT TOUGH ENOUGH
12 December 2007, Helsinki
I did the wall drawing at Kunsthalle. It's an advertisement of a Finnish prostitute I found on internet. It includes the rates and the telephone number. Yesterday, Timo said that it should be written on an A4 size paper and he asked his young female assistant to write it and decorate it with hearts. Then Tuula - the director of the Finnish National Gallery - happened to be there and said that Riikka - who is the curator of the event - wouldn't be happy paying me the flights from Spain to Finland and getting just a crappy piece of paper. Timo looked me patronizing and said that the only important thing is to do a good art work. But I'm not that tough guy. Finally, Riikka was concerned only about the legal things, if we really could put the genuine number of the call girl on the wall. Susanna - the director of the Kunsthalle - said we could and I painted it with pink color.
A STRICT PERSON IN A STRICT COUNTRY
11 December 2007, Helsinki
Last weekend, my Japanese friend Mari visited us and said that she can't understand how I can live in Spain. She thinks I´m a too strict person for the relaxed country. Now I've been 24 hours in Finland and I feel great. Yesterday, Jani and Simo picked me up at the airport, we went to Jani's studio and speaked with Eeris about our show in St. Petersburg in March. Then we headed to Frame's Christmas party. Today, I had lunch with Timo planning my painting show at Korjaamo in 2009. After that, I continued to Kunsthalle to discuss with Riikka my wall drawing I'll do there tomorrow. Finally, I went to Eemil's studio and traded my I Love Döner Kebab ceramic plate to his porcelain cup that I'll give to my wife in Christmas. Santa comes from Finland.
06 December 2007, Madrid
I attended the Independence Day reception of the embassy of Finland in Madrid. It was a nice party but I was upset that the food was Spanish. I'm 100% sure that the Spanish embassy in Helsinki never serves Finnish food.
Next to the Scotch bottles (they should serve only Finnish vodka!), I met Rami and Vesku, Finnish business men, and we went to their favorite karaoke bar to perform our national anthem. Madrid seen from a Mercedes SUV window looks different to the Madrid I know. My Madrid is located around Gran Vía, my new friends' center is Plaza Castilla. The deal was that I guided them to Del Diego, El Cock and Chicote, where Pedro Almodóvar was sitting in the next table. And they paid the bills.
FREEDOM FIGHTER'S MANUAL
01 December 2007, Cervera de los Montes
I've found stunning material for my drawings: The Freedom Fighter's Manual published by the CIA and airdropped to Nicaragua in the 80's. It's a "practical guide to liberating Nicaragua from oppression and misery by paralyzing the military-industrial complex of the traitorous Marxist state without having to use special tools and with minimal risk for the combatant". It's full of hilarious methods from throwing tools to sewers to putting nails on high ways and from damaging school books to throwing Molotov cocktails to police stations. It's just difficult to understand why a dissident would harm the everyday life of his country. Even if Franco were ruling in Spain, I wouldn't put dirt in my neighbor's car's gasoline tank.
Now the Sandinist leader Daniel Ortega is again the president of Nicaragua. If the CIA still has some booklets, they could drop them now to Managua - in the case they are not planning to drop bombs there, Caracas and La Paz. Or they could give them to me - I'd do a nice artwork dropping the DIY rebellion instructions to Paris, New York, Moscow, Dubai and Beijing.